Sugar Daddies and Daddy Doms
Recently I read a bunch of erotic romance novels by Jade West. Some of her novels include a plotline about sugar daddies or age-gap relationships. West’s book, Call me Daddy, [Spoiler alert: I’m about to give away the storyline] features a young woman named Laine who has a background of severe physical and emotional neglect. She meets and falls in love with an older man called Nick. Nick has a strong desire to protect her and take care of all of her physical and emotional needs (and of course, a strong desire to fuck her).
It is made explicit in the novel that their Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamic emerged from a perfectly complementary set of wounds. Nick’s backstory involved losing his partner and step-daughter in a car accident. This loss heightened Nick’s sense of protectiveness, responsibility and attentiveness to loved ones. Meanwhile, Laine’s experiences of childhood neglect fuelled a deep yearning to feel protected. Of course, in reality the development of k1nks doesn’t always have such a clear cut origin story.
I won’t go too far into this, except to name that people can practise D/s dynamics in ways that are joyful, healing and liberating, as well as ways that are harmful, regressive and oppressive.
There are definitely examples of dubious power dynamics in the book – Nick justifying punishment and control under the guise of protectiveness for instance. However, the book also explored the healing potential of a D/s relationship.
Nick welcomes Laine into his comfortable and lavish home. He listens to her attentively, buys her new clothes, cooks all of her meals and drives her wherever she wants to go. There is a sense that Laine has escaped physical and emotional poverty, and she is in a new magical world where her needs matter. She feels for the first time in her life that she does not have to solely rely on herself. Instead, there is someone who desperately wants to take care of her. Laine’s desire to feel safe and taken care of runs deep – it is a very young part of her.
In her relationship with Nick, Laine has the experience of feeling safe, secure, soothed, seen and supported. These are universal attachment needs. Ideally, we get these needs met from our caregivers in infancy and childhood. However, it is possible to experience attachment repair in the context of a healthy adult relationship. This can occur through experiencing our partner’s availability and willingness to meet our attachment needs at least enough of the time.
To me, Call me Daddy, was more than a delightfully smutty novel. It was a contemplation on the urgency and eroticism of unmet needs and the powerful desire to find healing and safety through relationships. I found it surprisingly moving. It also left me wondering about what “Daddy” really means to us in different domains of life.
To Freud’s delight beyond the grave, calling a lover “Daddy” is pretty common. There are lots of reasons people might call a lover, Daddy – regardless of their gender – not the least being that it can be a turn on to the people involved.
Being sexually topped by someone can generate a sense of safety because it demonstrates a kind of physical prowess. Like right now “Daddy” is using his energy and strength to fuck me but if someone threatened me, he could use that same energy to fuck them up.
Calling a lover Daddy isn’t about literally wanting to fuck your dad. Alongside being fun and hot, it might also express a desire to experience some of the attachment needs that are typically associated with fathers. Ideally, fathers are adoring, attuned, encouraging, playful and protective.
Being called Daddy in a romantic relationship is a deep compliment because it means, “I believe you can take care of me” – sexually, financially, emotionally or physically. There can be eroticism and even healing in the experience of being taken care of by “Daddy”.
Sky Daddies
While some people turn to Daddy in the bedroom for fulfilment, others turn to Daddy in the sky. The big dog; the heavenly Father. Just as sugar Daddies or Doms have the potential to tend to unmet attachment needs, for some people, God can facilitate attachment repair.
For certain Christians, due to their denomination or interpretation of the Bible, their relationship with God might mirror the imperfection of a human attachment relationship. Their God might be vengeful, judgemental, punishing and even frightening.
However, other Christians have a different image of God – one who is loving and forgiving, and who delights in their very existence. For these people, their relationship with God has the potential to offer the big five attachment needs of feeling safe, secure, soothed, seen and supported. As an added bonus, Sky Daddy is omnipresent – this is something human parents or partners just can’t compete with.
Imagine feeling like there is a benevolent father who is always there for you, watching over you and protecting you. Doing his utmost to ensure that you are safe, happy, cared for, and growing into the person you are meant to be. To me that sounds delightful. I’m very happy for the Christians who have found this kind of relationship with God – where God becomes an internal representation for healthy attachment.
This phenomenon mirrors a therapeutic process called The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol. The protocol was developed by David Elliot and Daniel Brown as a method of treating attachment disturbances. In this process, clients are supported to imagine themselves as young children engaging with ideal parental figures through a repeated practice of active imagination. These ideal attachment figures are always available and attuned in a way which is just right for the person most wants and needs. Over time, clients begin to internalise a positive representation of secure attachment, or an internal secure base. Through repeated prayer and an ongoing relationship with a loving and attuned God, some Christians may also experience the gift of attachment repair.
In a similar vein to submissives like Laine being drawn to a Daddy Dom, perhaps some Christians are drawn towards Sky Daddy in a subconscious attempt to heal insecure attachment. Unfortunately, it’s much rarer to experience attachment repair through Christianity than it is through a process like the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol.
Another benefit of healing attachment wounds through the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol or even a D/s relationship is that unlike Christianity, therapy and kink are not associated with purity culture and political conservatism.
Strict Daddies
I’ve explored what “Daddy” might mean to people in sexual and religious contexts – but how might our image of the ideal father impact our ideological and political positions?
In the 90s, cognitive linguist George Lakoff proposed utilising the metaphor of a nation as a nuclear family, and viewing political leaders as ‘parents’ of this family as a way of understanding and framing political differences.
Lakoff proposed that people on the right side of the political spectrum tend towards the “Strict Father Model” as their preferred way of governing families and nations. The Strict Father Model believes children and countries need a firm hand to keep them in order. It posits that the most important thing to teach a child is self-reliance. The lesson of individualism is enforced through blame, discipline and punishment.
The Strict Father Model adheres to The Just World Theory of morality. The central belief is that the world is an inherently fair and just place. It follows then, that if people are suffering, they must have done something to deserve their fate. In this model, social welfare is minimised or withheld in order to teach the lesson of self-reliance.
In contrast, Lakoff suggests that left-leaning individuals favour the Nurturant Parent Model. The Nurturant Parent Model values communication, empathy, creativity, collaboration, respect and developmentally-appropriate autonomy.
Supporters of the Nurturant Parent Model are more likely to perceive injustice in the world. They do not believe that people suffering deserve their fate. Rather, they believe the duty of the parent or government is to embrace and support the ‘children’ who most need it. At a national level, this translates as support for social safety nets like healthcare, childcare, benefits and pensions. This model of justice and morality is also less prone to use punishment as a way of “teaching a lesson”.
In our current cultural and political zeitgeist, it’s clear to see the proliferation of conservative Strict Father figures – Jordan Peterson, Donald Trump, JD Vance, Vladimir Putin etc. The Strict Father worldview was made remarkably explicit by Tucker Carlson in his frenzied speech at a Trump Rally in Georgia last year:
“If you allow your hormone-addled 15-year-old daughter to slam the door and give you the finger, you’re going to get more of it…
There has to be a point at which Dad comes home.
Dad comes home and he’s pissed. Dad is pissed. He’s not vengeful, he loves his children. Disobedient as they may be, he loves them […] but he is very disappointed in the behaviour and he is going to have to let them know [….]
And when Dad gets home, you know what he says? You’ve been a bad girl. You’ve been a bad little girl and you’re getting a vigorous spanking right now. And no, it’s not going to hurt me more than it hurts you. No, it’s not. I’m not going to lie. It’s going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. And you earned this. You’re getting a vigorous spanking because you’ve been a bad girl, and it has to be this way. It has to be this way because it’s true and you’re only going to get better when you take responsibility for what you did.”
When I watch the video of this speech, I perceive Carlson’s excitement and his eroticisation of punishment. It’s telling that he chose to get riled up about an underage teenage girl getting spanked by an adult man; an image that attempts to glorify the gendered violence and a gross misuse of power.
Followers of the Strict Father Model rigidly adhere to masculine stereotypes in order to de-identify from anything associated with feminine stereotypes, which are cast as weaknesses. Later in Carlson’s speech he refers to the Democrats as the party of “weak men”. This occurred when Tim Walz was running as Kamala Harris’ Vice President. In Walz’s running mate acceptance speech he declared to his family, “you are my entire world and I love you.” Meanwhile his son, 17-year-old Gus Walz, was tearfully cheering him on in the crowd and proudly proclaiming, “That’s my Dad!”
Is this what Carlson meant by weak men; heartfelt expressions of love and care between a father and son? The Strict Father Model values individualism, discipline and punishment over connection and compassion. People who grow up in Strict Father Model families often end up needing to do the work of re-parenting themselves in adulthood. The Strict Father Model is not a good model of parenting nor is it good model of governance.
Nonetheless, Carlson’s reference to Trump as a Strict Daddy was evocative for many MAGA supporters. At the same rally, when Trump took to the stage, people in the crowd started screaming “Daddy’s home” Presumably they believed they were not the ones who were about to get spanked.
Who, then, do they think is getting spanked? Who is the metaphoric 15-year-old daughter? Ostensibly, it’s the woke liberals, trans people, immigrants, and anyone who has anything to do with Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. Perhaps Trump supporters believe that the strict father only punishes other people; they are immune from his violence and rage. Or maybe, if the strict father punishes them, they trust in his moral authority and welcome the hot righteousness of pain. Once again, the pleasure of Daddy’s punishment evokes both religious and D/s undertones. Begging the question, could some conservatives and Christians get their Daddy needs met through consensual k1nk?
When I consider the needs of Trump voters, it’s likely they are yearning to feel safe, secure and protected. Somehow, Trump has been superimposed onto the role of a strong and loving father who says, “Daddy isn’t going to let anything bad happen to you.” This soothing idea/fairytale is especially meaningful for people who have been feeling isolated, persecuted, afraid and uncertain.
Everyone deserves to feel safe and protected.
So it’s worth asking: Is the Strict Daddy really going to protect you?
There have been small contingents of MAGA supporters who have been shocked to have lost their livelihoods under Trump’s rule. They were left gobsmacked by the realisation that their loyalty to Daddy didn’t protect them. He left them out in the cold.
It was a brutal way to learn a harsh truth: a person (or system) that is capable of using punishment and violence to harm others is also capable of directing punishment and violence towards you.
In the political landscape, it’s helpful to notice who is playing the role and using the language of the Strict Father Model:
Who is promising to resolve problems by using a firmer hand?
Who is promising to take away security and support from those who don’t “deserve” it?
Who is promising to punish the scapegoats of the day?
In Australia, Peter Dutton categorically fits the Strict Father role. Strict Father figures promise to protect their voters in order to gain their trust and support. Some Trump supporters realised a bit too late that this is a farce. The only thing Strict Father figures and political strongmen care about protecting is their own power. The illegitimate power of the Strict Father is maintained through violence and the threat of violence.
In the lead up to the Australian election, we can do better than voting in another Strict Father figure as our Prime Minister. It’s time to evolve beyond the Strict Father Model in our family, social and political systems. Just as an ideal parent figure provides safety, security, comfort, support and encouragement to a child, our social systems should also strive to meet these needs for all people.
In seeking to meet our sexual, social, spiritual and political needs, there is nothing wrong with seeking someone to play the role of Daddy. However, it is important to discern between Daddy figures who offer healing and liberation and those who use violence and punishment to maintain their illegitimate power.
If the idea of punishing others or getting punished turns you on, don’t take it to the polls. Find someone who wants to practise risk-aware consensual kink with you. There are healthier ways to deal with our Daddy issues.